How We Communicate May be Making Us Lonely

Recently, I sent a message to a peer asking if he had copied my idea for a project. I knew he did. I phrased it as a question to keep things calm and give him a chance to explain himself. He replied instantly: “The plot thickens.” No explanation. No apology. With one nonsensical one-liner, he dodged my question and turned the whole thing into a meme, a joke, a non-issue. As frustrated as I was, I can’t say I was surprised. This approach to communication – or should I say noncommunication – is all too common today. Online and in person, it’s affecting our interactions and relationships.

Our lingo is perfect for avoiding accountability. Get called out for a mistake? Quickly pull out one of these: “The plot thickens,” “Take a joke,” “Cope,” “LMAO.” That last one is especially versatile – it can be thrown into any context. If we don’t feel like typing, we can replace it with a facepalm or laugh-cry emoji. The message stays the same: stop fussing over nothing. Sometimes offence is the best defence. That’s where “OK boomer” comes in: it’s not me, it’s you being out of touch, so I don’t have to listen to you. And when we don’t feel comfortable calling someone out because it might lead to a difficult conversation, we soften everything into “bruh” or “sus.” What’s really at stake is our “coolness.” Taking anything seriously is the opposite of being cool. Effortlessness is key. The lingo is our outfit – best worn with sarcasm and a “don’t care” attitude.

The same language is our shortcut for expressing emotions. A friend reaches an important milestone? We respond with “GOAT,” a fire emoji, a star, or a party hat. These are all legitimate options. But saying “Congratulations! I know you worked so hard for this. I’m really happy for you!” feels too detailed, too unsubtle, too earnest. Use a sentence like that and it’s suddenly “glaze.” On the other hand, if we feel a sting of jealousy about someone else’s good news, we can comfortably be disagreeable by sending the GIF: “Me and the boys trying to find who asked.” One meme dispatched to declare their achievement irrelevant – so efficient. What if WE are the ones sharing good news? Well, we count emojis and reactions as proof that our friends are celebrating us, and we assume they understand how much the moment means to us. Meanwhile, be prepared to fend off the “who asked” GIF, but only fire back with a meme or a one-word comeback like “cope.” Anything more honest might just show people we actually care – that would be bad because we don’t want to be “a sweat.”

Our lingo is also packed with psychological labels that we like to casually sprinkle over our conversations. Someone behaving in a way we dislike might be called “toxic” or “narcissistic.” Someone being insensitive, dishonest, or simply disagreeing with us might be accused of “gaslighting.” A friend who turns down our invite because they have other commitments is suddenly “antisocial.” These words are heavy; they come from real mental health and clinical contexts. But for us, they are often just another way to vent without having to explain what we really feel. Tossing out pathological labels doesn’t cost us anything in the moment. What it costs the person on the receiving end? This is a question we rarely pause to consider.

You see, our language is incredibly effective at shutting down conversations, hiding feelings, dismissing questions, and sidestepping anything serious, uncomfortable, or complicated. As we expertly dodge behind memes, emojis, and slang, we also give up the chance to debate important issues, own up to our mistakes, hold one another accountable, reflect on our own role in conflicts, and let other people see our real selves. We’re interacting with each other all the time, but often only on the surface, with avoidance coded into our vocabulary. This habit can turn around to hurt us.

Research shows relationships grow closer when we gradually share more of our real thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other. Psychologists have tested this idea. For example, in Arthur Aron’s 1997 study, strangers were guided through a set of increasingly personal questions in conversations, and in about 45 minutes, they felt surprisingly closer because they dared to talk honestly. In other words, it is the deeper, more vulnerable conversations – not the superficial jokes or careless exchanges – that move us from “people I talk to” to “friends who actually know me.” In contrast, research has also found that relationships fade when we keep our real thoughts and feelings to ourselves. This means the lingo we embrace not only pushes away deep conversations but also shuts down opportunities to truly know others and be known.

At the same time, we long for friendship and a sense of belonging. Recent Canadian data suggest that close to one in five young people aged 15 to 24 say they “always” or “often” feel lonely, and those who feel lonely more often are also more likely to report struggling with their mental health. We’re in an epidemic of loneliness and isolation! This is ironic because we are the generation that is constantly connected through group chats, social media, and endless daily messages. But connection isn’t the same as closeness. When our daily language turns any discomfort into memes and accountability into jokes, we keep conversations shallow. Then we shouldn’t be surprised when our friendships feel thin.

None of this means we have to abandon our slang, emojis, or memes. They are part of our youth culture, and they make our conversations fun. The challenge is to realize when we’re using them as a shield instead of a bridge. As uncomfortable as it may be, it’s worth trying something different: sending that awkward but honest apology, writing a congratulations card, or asking a serious question and staying for the answer. It will probably feel unnatural at first. But if we want friendships that are more than shared jokes and recycled GIFs, we have to lay down the shield, risk being uncool, and show people who we are, how we feel, and what we think.

References

Aron, Arthur, et al. “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, vol. 23, no. 4, 1997, pp. 363-377.

Huh, Eun. “The Impact of Emojis on Perceived Responsiveness and Relationship Satisfaction in Text Messaging.” PLOS One, vol. 20, no. 7, 2 July 2025, e0326189.

Statistics Canada. “You’ve Got a Friend in Me.” Statistics Canada, 30 July 2024, www.statcan.gc.ca/o1/en/plus/6735-youve-got-friend-me.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. Office of the U.S. Surgeon General, 2023, www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf.

YMCA Canada. “Six in Ten Canadians Surveyed Have Little or No Sense of Community, New YMCA Research Reveals.” YMCA Canada, 16 Sept. 2024, www.ymca.ca/en/news-stories/press-release/six-in-ten-canadians-surveyed-have-little-or-no-sense-of-community-new-ymca-research-reveals