Why Has Nobody Told Us This Before - A Teen's Guide to Better Mental Health

Lately, it feels like everyone I know is stressed out. It's hard not to, with pressures coming from all directions - grades, friends, extracurriculars, expectations from ourselves, family, and the society...Schools have jumped into action to help us. So far, at my school, we've had a Mindful Monday (e.g. mindfully eating a tangerine, after watching a long video where a lady spoke in slow motion about how to eat a tangerine, mindfully) and a physical Friday (e.g., LEGO tower building and writing down important things in a relationship on sticky notes and sticking them to the towers)...Do they help? Well, I appreciate the school's efforts. I like tangerines and LEGO - although not so much about the video or the sticky notes. But I hope for something more powerful - something that helps to strengthen our core.

As someone who loves to read, once again, I turned to books in my search for answers. And as always, I found something: Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr. Julie Smith. Now, this, is a toolbox that we need! It's eye-opening, science-backed and practical. Here’s what I took away from it:

1. Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.

Don't jump into believing your negative thoughts! Biologically, our brains are wired to protect us. Back in the old days, our ancestors lived in dangerous environments – unpredictable weather, unknown diseases, and wild animals that preyed on them. To survive, their brains learned to assume the worst, so they could be proactive and react quickly to danger. Fast forward to today: we’re not running from sabretooth tigers anymore, but our brains still behave like we are. When facing uncertainties or stress, we tend to have thoughts that are negative and exaggerated. I’m talking about thoughts like “Everyone in my class thinks I’m weird” or “I’m going to fail this class.” We believe these thoughts, as if they were solid facts, and then our mood drops, and then we act like we’ve already lost. For example, if you believe the whole class think you’re weird, then you may start avoiding people or stop speaking up. People see that and think that you don’t want them near you, so they leave you alone. In turn, this makes you think, “See? I knew it! Who wants to be friends with a weirdo anyway?” And just like that, you’re living a self-fulfilling prophecy – not because it's true to begin with, but because you believe it so strongly that you behave accordingly and turn a fearful thought into reality.

What to do?

• Pause and question the negative thought. Ask: “What’s the evidence for and against this thought?” (Example: “Everyone in class thinks I’m weird.” Ask yourself: “Really? Have you interviewed the whole class and they’ve confirmed that? Could it be that a couple of people might think that, but most don’t? Aren’t we all a bit weird in our own way? Don’t you sometimes find someone different but still like them?")

• Imagine it’s your best friend having this negative thought – what would you tell them? now tell that to yourself!

This helps to separate facts from feelings, and this is powerful in preventing downward spiraling.

2. You don’t wait for motivation – you create it.

When we’re feeling low, the last thing we want to do is to take action - "I'll do something when I feel better." Wrong! Why? Action is the thing that lifts our mood. But often we don’t realize this. We think we need to feel motivated before we can start something. But motivation usually shows up after we begin. It’s like pushing a swing – the first few pushes to get the swing moving are the hardest and require most efforts, but if you keep pushing, then it starts moving on its own. The same goes for motivation! Getting moving is key!

In the book, Dr. Smith describes a patient who started walking for just 5 minutes a day. Even though the patient didn’t feel like moving at all, they made it a commitment. After a while, this simple action helped rebuild their energy and purpose, and the patient started feeling better.

What to do:

• Use the 5-minute rule: “I’ll just do this for 5 minutes.” Once you’re in it, it’s easier to keep going.

• Break big tasks into small steps, so it's easier to take the first step. Starting is the hardest part.

So, just get started - momentum comes, and you'll feel better. Trust!

3. You don’t fight your feelings – just ride them out.

Emotions aren’t switches that we can flip on and off. They’re natural responses that rise and fall, just like tidal waves. Fighting them makes them stronger. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater – the harder you press it down, the harder it pops back up. Intuitive, isn't it?

But we don’t allow ourselves to feel unhappy. It's so uncomfortable that we just want it to stop, immediately! So we try to force the feeling to go away. We feel bad for feeling bad, so we feel even worse. You see how crazy this is?

Also, avoidance creates fear. When you avoid feeling something, your brain starts to treat that feeling as dangerous. This makes you more fearful the next time the emotion shows up.

What to do:

• Name the emotion and remind yourself that it won’t last forever. Example: "I'm feeling so disappointed for not making it into the debate team. But the disappointment won't stay this strong forever. I'll just let it be."

• Accept negative feelings as part of life and don’t rush to fix them - ride it.

I personally find this extremely liberating. Once I allow myself to not feel great all the time, I relax and feel better. You should try it too!

4. Mental health isn’t just in your head - it’s in your habits.

Your brain is part of your body. So, things done to your body like sleep, food, and exercise directly affect how you feel mentally. If you’re tired, hungry, or inactive, your mood and focus will suffer. Have you ever stayed up late scrolling on your phone and felt awful the next day? How do you feel after gorging down a Big Mac and a large coke? Light and clear headed? Or heavy and sluggish?

What to do:

• Aim for 7–9 hours of sleep, every day.

• Move your body daily - even a short walk helps.

• Eat whole food regularly (Put down that family-size chip bag! Now!).

These small changes can make a HUGE difference in your mood and energy.

5. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend.

Most of us have an inner critic that says super mean things we would never say to a friend. Dr. Smith asks us to examine our "inner dialogue". She shared a story of a client who constantly felt like a failure. So, Dr. Smith asked them to write journals as if they were writing to a self-critical friend. Interestingly, the damaging self-talk started to change and became more objective, constructive, and encouraging.

If we wouldn’t put our friends down, if we would only try to lift them up, shouldn’t we do the same for ourselves? Shouldn’t we be our own best ally? At least, realize this: if a situation isn’t looking good, beating ourselves up isn’t going to make it any better. It’ll only make things worse - it will hurt our morale and cloud our judgement. It may also keep us up at night and send us back to that family-size chips! A vicious cycle!

What to do:

• Notice your inner voice. Is it harsh or kind?

• Ask yourself: Will I say the same thing to my best friend?

Be your own best friend - the kindest, most generous, and most loyal ally! Never betray yourself!

6. Even when motivation disappears, values can keep you moving.

Find meaning! If you're lost or lacking direction, don't expect motivation and clarity to come up out of nowhere. Instead, write down your values (e.g., kindness, courage, growth, etc.), and take small actions that reflect them. You will feel better. Why? First of all, remember tip #2 – motivation comes after action? Second, values bring us meaning and purpose. With meaning and purpose, comes strength. As Friedrich Nietzsche famously said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”

Find your meaning, and use it as your armor!